You make the same mistake every time you fall: You’re not alone, but it can be changed

I’m sure you all know it. You promise yourself you’ll never write to your ex again. That you won’t have another cake because you know you’ll regret it. Or that this time you won’t actually do something that you know from the start is going to be a fiasco… But then you do it again anyway.

Wondering why that keeps happening? Do you think it’s just your weak will? No, it’s not always. Because repeating mistakes is not a failure, it’s an automated pattern of behavior that’s rooted right in our brains.

And that’s good news, right? Because what is learned can be changed.

Why do we keep repeating the same mistakes?

The answer is actually quite simple – the brain has simply become accustomed to it. And part of it is our genes.

When you repeat a certain action, it creates neural pathways, or synapses, that essentially act like expressways and teach us to react automatically. Think back to when you were learning to drive a car or ride a bike. In the beginning, it all required your full concentration, but after a while you don’t even think about it anymore.

On the one hand, it can be quite practical, because it means we don’t have to deal with every little thing, like when we need to tie our shoelaces. But unfortunately – the same principle applies to less happy habits.

This is where the “problem” comes in. A previously handy helper turns against us and suddenly we form habits that are bad for us. When we are stressed, tired or in difficult situations, our brain often switches from goal-directed behaviour to learned behaviour, thus to an automatic mode, and we unconsciously revert to old and often dysfunctional patterns. So we re-enter toxic relationships or reach for junk food…

The process by which our brain can rewrite its path based on experience is called neuroplasticity.

The good news: it can be changed. How to do it?

Repeating mistakes even after we’ve been “beaten up” doesn’t immediately make us weak. On the contrary, our mistakes are one of our most powerful learning tools. And what is learned can also be unlearned. It’s not easy, but it can be done.

But how to do it?

• Awareness: the first and most important step is to realize that you are doing something wrong and accept it. Our brains react to mistakes immediately – it’s called Error-Related Negativity (ERN) – then it’s your turn.
• Find the triggers: Our behavior is often not random, but is triggered by certain situations, thoughts or emotions. Try to think about when and under what circumstances do you most often slip into old patterns? In the evening, when you are tired? Or perhaps after an argument? Once you figure this out, you can prepare yourself and respond differently.
• Slow down: Before you make your next move, take a breath and slow down. Even just two minutes of pause can make the difference between whether you succumb (again) or not.
• Try something different: Instead of repeating the same mistake, try creating a different, slightly “healthier” path in your brain. Go for a walk instead of watching Netflix, call a friend rather than sitting at home alone, or stop staring at your phone and read a book. With each repetition, this new pathway will get stronger and so will the hope that you won ‘t repeat habitual mistakes.
• Be kind to yourself: No matter what you do, mistakes will continue to happen in your life. The point, however, is not to become a perfect individual, but to make them less often and to pick yourself up more quickly after a fall.

So the next time you beat yourself up for “failing again,” try looking at it differently: just by noticing it, you’re taking the first step toward getting better.

It’s not about never failing again, that’s probably not even possible – it’s about gradually changing our patterns, training a different mindset and being patient with ourselves. As they say, change is life. And it’s not a one-time leap, but a fairly steady run that consists of small victories.