The liar won’t change: he’ll just change the way he convinces you

Lying is as old as mankind itself, and to some extent it is in our genes. We all reach for the occasional “little harmless lie” to spare the feelings of others or to avoid conflict. But somewhere between petty social tactics and deliberate manipulation is a line beyond which lying is no longer an innocent means of not arguing, but a habit. And the more it is repeated, the more it becomes part of identity.

Some people lie so often that the truth gets lost for them somewhere in their own stories, which seem plausible one day and completely different the next. This is not ordinary dishonesty, but a habit that can damage not only relationships but also the personality itself.

Although so-called pathological lying is not officially recognised as a disease, it has the characteristics of an addiction: the more it is repeated, the harder it is to stop.

How lying becomes a way of life

A pathological liar differs from a habitual liar primarily in terms of motivation. While most people lie for a reason – to better themselves, to avoid punishment or to protect their ego – the pathological liar often has no clear motive. He lies out of habit, out of an inner compulsion, sometimes without conscious intention. He makes things up, embellishes, exaggerates until he starts to believe his own words. Reality blurs for him and the truth becomes just another version of the story he needs to tell.

According to psychologists, this “lie addiction”arises from similar causes to those behind other compulsive behaviours – lack of self-worth, need for approval or fear of rejection. When the lie works, the brain remembers the relief: the tension eases and the person feels safe for a while. But with each successive lie, the threshold of relief shifts, and the liar needs to fabricate more and more to achieve the same feeling again. Lying thus becomes an automatic response from a tool of defence – like others reaching for a cigarette or a mobile phone.

This type of lying usually emerges in adolescence and can persist throughout life. It is sometimes related to personality disorders – especially narcissistic or antisocial ones – but it can equally be a defence mechanism of a person with low self-esteem who is afraid of rejection. In such cases, lying becomes a way to survive in a world where the truth hurts.

To those around him, the pathological liar tends to be exhausting. His narratives are compelling, elaborate and often so convincing that it takes a while to show that something is off. And when he is caught in a lie, he rarely apologizes – rather, he finds a new explanation, another version that “makes sense.” This completes the circle and trust eventually disappears.

A return to the truth: Is it even possible?

Change in a pathological liar does not come easily, and certainly not by coercion. In therapy, it is agreed that the first step is not an admission of guilt, but an awareness – that is, an understanding of what the lie actually represents in the person. Many people lie because they can’t protect themselves otherwise: they need to feel important, interesting or loved. For them, the lie is a mask under which they hide their own insecurities.

The cure, therefore, lies less in “weaning” them from lying and more in strengthening their ability to be honest – and first with themselves. For without a willingness to face the truth about one’s own behaviour, no change will occur. Since there are no anti-lying pills, all that is left is a long-term process with an experienced therapist who can recognize when the patient is escaping into fiction again.

For those who live with someone who constantly lies, there is a simple but not difficult rule: don’t get angry, don’t get sucked into the game, and above all, protect your own reality. Lying to the other person is not about you. It’s his way of coping with the world, not your fault. Instead, support, patience – and clearly set boundaries – can help.

I’m sure everyone wonders if a liar can actually change. Probably not in the sense that he stops feeling the need to reshape reality – but he can learn to understand it and not force others to share it with him. Lying doesn’t disappear overnight, just as who one is doesn’t change.

What can change, however, is the way the truth is treated. And sometimes that is the biggest change possible.